Tackling Intimate Issues
Recently I was reflecting on a discussion I was involved in about those times when intimate issues crop up in a Sozo for Couples’ session, which, of course, they do. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that questions around the use of pornography or fantasy occur between a couple, as well as all the ‘expected’ communication issues etc.
One of the things I noticed in this discussion was a sense of hopelessness around the whole issue of pornography. It felt to me that there was the impression that this was one issue that couldn’t be dealt with in Sozo for Couples.
The good news is that not only can it, but that freedom can happen! That’s the message at the heart of Sozo – we can be healed, saved and delivered – and sexual issues are no trickier than any other.
So, let’s go back a step – go with me for a moment and imagine that our issues and behaviour are like the fruit on our own personal tree. Traditionally what’s happened in Church life is that people come along and tell us to deal with the things in our lives that aren’t good and to chop off these fruit bearing branches – telling us to stop doing things, not to be angry for example, or not to swear or get drunk or not to use pornography. The problem is that doesn’t deal with the root problem.
If our behaviour and issues are the branches, then what of the trunk and the roots that support them? The trunk of our tree represents the things in our lives that we believe and cause us to behave. And here’s the thing, if we believe lies we will have ‘bad’ fruit in our life.
If we try and change the lying beliefs we have by either trying to stop ourselves believing them or just replacing them with the truth without going deeper, we will see temporary change. It is not enough to just renounce lies and declare truth – as powerful as that can be at the right point in a Sozo. We have to go deeper, to the roots – so what will we find there? At root level we might, for instance, find that our pornography issues stem back to not having received comfort from our mother- and so we would need to forgive our mum for not meeting that need. This was the case with a lady I had in a session who had learnt to self-comfort, to compensate for the lack of love in her life, through pornography and masturbation. With men it could be that they were emasculated by someone, maybe a teacher or parent who continually put them down for being a bad boy, so pornography became a way to make them feel manly. For some people sexual issues will go back to early exposure to sex through abuse that happened. A loop of shame, sexualised behaviour and confusion can begin at this early age that will almost certainly continue unless healing happens to change both beliefs and behaviour.
So, in a Sozo for Couples session asking the Godhead questions like “Father God, what do you think about pornography?” is unlikely to get the breakthrough we want –because all we’re doing is chopping at the branches. We have to jig down to the root and find the causes that led to the person finding the answer to their lack in pornography, masturbation, fantasy or any other sexual issue.
We must also be prepared to discover that the root may not appear to have anything to do with what’s manifesting on that person’s branches, but if we begin to see that these issues are actually about identity, intimacy and how emotional needs have been met or not met in a person’s early years we will begin to grasp how far back , how deep in to the past, we need to go to be able to help people receive their freedom.
I have seen people get free and stay free – but only when the roots are dealt with, creating the opportunity for new beliefs and behaviours to take the place of the old lies.